According to payday lenders, the payday loan industry gets an unfairly bad rap. Also, this caviar is too warm. Throw it out, you peasant.
Recently at one of the regular get-togethers I attend in my friend’s zeppelin’s east ballroom I heard something simply dreadful. While dipping a $300 truffle into a platinum dish of $1,000 caviar, my ear caught wind of a disturbing conversation.
Apparently, payday loans have gained a negative reputation.
Could this be true?! Upon hearing it, my monocle popped out of my eye and into my flute of $2,000 champagne.
After rinsing off the monocle and retrieving my top hat from its solid gold hook, I rushed home to write this article on a Macbook Air that is the same as any Macbook Air, except I voluntarily paid $100,000 for it so that it would be more exclusive.
Reasons my fellow country club board members and I encourage you to borrow a payday loan.
1) They’re easy to get.
Look, I understand that not everyone has a credit score. Maybe you were born into a wealthy family and never had the need for credit cards, or maybe you have already transferred all of your assets into hidden stores of gold (for when the unwashed rabble comes to your door).
Regardless, assuming you wanted to get a loan and didn’t have a credit score or even a proper income, payday lenders will still accommodate you. That’s why they’re referred to as “no credit check loans.” Payday lenders are almost as compassionate as my butlers, Wentworth and Gentworth.
In fact, payday loans are dangerously easy to get! Historically, payday lenders don’t even consider your ability to repay the money you borrow! Borrowing money at interest rates regardless of whether or not you can actually afford to repay what you borrow sounds like the very definition of ease to me!
Going to a payday loan store is like having a butler of your very own, except they give YOU money! Money and butlers?! What could be better than that?
2) Dangerously short repayment terms.
When you take out a payday loan, you’re normally given around two weeks to pay it back. How great is that?
When I wanted an artificial island complete with a beach house to be built in the center of my large outside pool, I was told it would take at least a month. Even if I threw rocks at the workers and yelled at them!
So imagine how nice it would be to have something over and done within two weeks. I suppose it might be an issue if you didn’t have the money to pay back the loan in that time, but if that’s the case, you should consider getting more money.
You could ask your father to take it from his company’s liquid assets, for example. Just be sure to do it in a way that the FEC won’t learn about. And don’t consider taking out a long-term installment loan with more affordable payments. That would just be gauche.
3) High APRs mean you can give a lot of your money to me and my friends.
For those of you who aren’t aware, “APR” stands for annual percentage rate, and it’s the measurement of how much a loan costs, including interest and fees, over the course of a single year.
Payday loans can have APRs approaching 400%, which means you can give me and my friends, many of whom own or have stakes in payday loan companies, a lot of money!
And why wouldn’t you want to give us money? We already have so much of it, so you know we must be good with it. We also spend it on wonderful things like caviar and zeppelins with multiple ballrooms and artificial islands complete with beach houses in the middle of our enormous outside swimming pools!
What would you spend it on otherwise? Rent? For your terrible apartment? The one that doesn’t even have an indoor, let alone an outdoor pool with a large island at the center of it? Don’t make me laugh.
Seriously, please don’t make me laugh. I have a mouthful of “snacking diamonds” and I don’t want them to go to waste.
4) They keep your credit rating down.
Unlike some companies in the bad credit loan business, payday lenders won’t report your payments to the major credit bureaus—so using them won’t improve your credit rating.
It can, however, further damage your score if you aren’t able to make your payments. Once it gets sent to collections, they’ll report you to the bureaus and the information will land on your credit report.
It’s a “win-win” situation—if by “win-win” you mean me and my friends get to win twice!
Having a lower credit rating means you’ll be forced to pay much higher interest rates for any kind of loan, and given where my particular holdings and investments are, that means all the more money for me! How splendid!
Title loans, by the way, won’t help your score either. But using your car title as collateral for a loan? What are we, cavemen? Even just that word—”collateral”—it’s ruining the taste of these diamonds. Ick.
5) Rollover fees.
Can’t make your payday loan payment in time? Well, good news: You can pay a relatively large fee to extend the loan. And then if you still can’t pay it two weeks after that, you can just roll it over again!
It’s even more money for me. And, as we’ve already established, money for me is great!
Hopefully, this has turned your opinion around on payday loans. And if it still hasn’t, just know that if my friends and I don’t get what we want, we’ll take all our money and our butlers and our zeppelins and we’ll go live on the moon.
Don’t believe me? Why don’t you come over here and say it to my face?! Or, rather, say it to my intercom on the front gate that’s a mile down my driveway. Then I’ll send my robot guard dogs after you. That’ll show you …
Guy in a Top Hat and Monocle. He has a swimming pool filled with gold coins. But he wishes it was filled with his father’s approval.
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