What if Animals Had Credit Scores?
Everyone spends so much time talking about human credit scores:
“Will getting a mortgage affect my credit score?”
“How can I repair my bad credit?”
“Will my score down if I check my credit report?”
We hear you. All those questions can be totally exhausting. Don’t you sometimes get a little jealous of animals—that they don’t have to spend their days obsessing about their credit scores?
And it’s not like all of them have great credit either. Maybe if they spent a little less time foraging or hunting for food and a little more time thinking about debt reduction, some of these animals would be a little higher up on the food chain.
(Editor’s note: What? That’s not … how any of this works.)
In the spirit of scientific inquiry why we spent the last decade traveling the globe, studying different animals to find out what their credit scores are.
(Editor’s note: We did not do that.)
And now we’re bringing that information to you, so when you need to borrow some money or cosign a lease, you know which animals to turn to—and which animals you should hang up on when they call asking for money.
(Editor’s note: Do not ask an animal to cosign a loan. We were locked in a closet while this post was being written. In fact, we’re still in the closet. We’ve been in here for days. Help!)
Octopi have incredible credit scores. In fact, every single octopus has a credit score over 800. This is for a few reasons. First of all, octopi are very intelligent. They almost never get taken in by scams like phishing or fake charities. Many can also change color to escape from predatory lenders. Plus, each of those eight limbs can be paying off a different bill at once, so an octopus never lets debt—and the resulting interest—build up. On the rare chance they do ever get caught it in a debt trap, they can still escape through a hole as small ping pong ball.
Terrible credit scores. Just awful. All they eat is eucalyptus and that can get expensive quickly. Maybe they could slide in a nice, cheap apple every so often but apparently noooooo. And it’s not like they only eat a little of it. Koalas eat up to 500 grams of eucalyptus each day. This 500-gram jar of eucalyptus honey costs about ten euros, which is around $12.50. And remember, that’s probably mostly honey so… you know, let’s just assume pure eucalyptus must be a least five times that. All that money they spend on eucalyptus is money that can’t go towards their credit card bills or personal loan payments. Get it together Koalas! Eucalyptus doesn’t even taste that good!
These weirdos must have bad credit, right? They’re mammals that lay eggs! They have a duckbill and venomous spurs! Maybe they could use the venomous spurs to hold up a bank, but you can’t fix your credit with stolen money, can you? Well, all of these assumptions are just revealing your biases. Platypuses actually have amazing credit. We couldn’t tell you why. Maybe living on both land and water has given them a well-rounded perspective that allows them to spend responsibly. They have a diverse credit mix and also keep their credit utilization well below the 30% threshold. Or maybe they’ve been robbing banks with their venom spurs, who really knows?
Ostriches don’t literally bury their heads in the sand. That’s a myth. But they absolutely metaphorically bury their heads in the sand. They keep telling themselves that the collections agency will stop calling; that if they don’t pay their credit card bill, it’ll all just eventually work out; that they’ll never run into an emergency, which means they’ll never need an emergency fund. Well sorry, feathered friend, but it’s just not true. Emergencies happen to everyone.
One great way to stay ahead of your payments is to use online services and bill pay. You can even set up automatic payments to guarantee you’re never late. But if you’ve ever seen a pug, you know they can’t quite figure that out. We love them. They’re adorable, but let’s just say technology isn’t their strong suit. Waking themselves up by farting might be adorable, but it won’t fix their financial situation. Many animals have worse credit, but most pugs probably won’t be able to buy a house without some help.
Cats have amazing credit. And why shouldn’t they? They use their owner’s credit cards to purchase whatever they want. They don’t even consider it stealing because according to Cat Law, they own everything in the house where they live. Why do cats have to live by our human credit rating agencies even though they have their own sets of laws for everything else? We don’t know, but we do know that, under Cat Law, every cat is entitled to the fish they need to live. Maybe we could learn a little something from Cat Law. Oh, and if you own a cat and keep seeing mysterious credit card purchases that are tanking your human credit score, now you know why.
Termites build their own homes. That means not having to worry about a mortgage or rent, which is a huge help towards maintaining good credit. Still, using too little credit can actually hurt your score, so termites have a few credit cards that they use sparingly and an installment loan that they make payments on every month. Those regular on-time payments really help juice their score, as payment history is the single most important credit score factor. Oh, and if a collections agency does ever come after a termite nest., they can just eat up the foundation so the building collapses. They wait until night time, of course, because termites are not murderers.
Unfortunately, you can’t hide from debt. And while chameleons are great at avoiding their creditors, they do no favors to their credit score by doing so. Chameleon credit score? Not good.
Dolphins are very smart and have very good credit. This isn’t directly related, however. After all, many people have bad credit even though they are quite intelligent. The actual reason dolphins have good credit is because they live under the water and there are no cool figurine stores where they’ll be tempted to blow all their money.