How Important is Money in a Relationship?

The newlywed phase of a relationship can’t last forever. Just ask Mike and Sarah, a couple who have been married for five years. Life is great, but arguments are happening more frequently. They’re not about love or commitment; money is their primary source of discontent. Sarah wants to save for a house. Mike wants to travel and see the world.

Is money important in a relationship? Most people don’t like to admit it, but finances and relationships go hand-in-hand, particularly in long-term committed partnerships. This article provides examples of the characteristics of healthy financial partnerships.

Key takeaways covered in this blog post:

1. Money is deeply emotional, not just mathematical, in relationships. It influences power dynamics, trust, communication, and long-term compatibility.
2. Financial compatibility matters more than income level. It's not about how much someone makes, but how they save, spend, and approach financial decisions.
3. Open, honest conversations about money are essential. Avoiding money talks can lead to confusion, resentment, and unmet expectations.
4. Budgeting styles and financial goals vary. It’s advantageous to discuss saving habits, spending priorities, debt, and retirement plans early in the relationship.
5. Disparities in income can work—if handled with mutual respect. The key is equitable contributions and emotional transparency, not necessarily a 50/50 split.
6. Debt transparency is crucial. Hidden debt or financial mismanagement can severely damage trust and future planning.

The emotional side of money in relationships

Money might be just numbers on paper to an accountant or financial advisor. Real people view it differently. We live in a world where money is necessary for survival. Not having it causes stress that can derail otherwise healthy relationships, especially if one party is more responsible with their spending than the other.

Finances and relationships are entwined in almost every area of our lives. As relationships deepen, we may choose to cohabitate, essentially combining our money. A 50/50 split is nice in those scenarios, but what happens when one party can’t cover their end?

Another factor is the preexisting beliefs that people carry into relationships. If one person grew up with money, and the other was poor, their respective philosophies about managing finances might be quite different. This can lead to conflict and “financial infidelity,” where financial behaviors break trust, like having secret credit cards or overspending.

Money represents different things to different people: love, power, control, independence, security, or status. Understanding how relationships and money issues affect each other is the first step towards financial harmony. Read on to learn how to achieve that.

What healthy financial compatibility looks like

Couples don’t need to have identical salaries and bank accounts to be financially compatible. What matters is being aligned on major life issues, like large purchases, education, and buying a home. People in long-term relationships want these things to build healthy lives together. Here’s what to look for if you want to do a quick financial inventory of the relationship:

• Similar core values about money: You may not agree on every purchase, but it’s important if you share fundamental beliefs about debt, savings, and investments.
• Aligned long-term goals: Buying a home, starting a family, and retirement are a few common relationship goals. Partners should be on the same page about what matters most to them.
• Willingness to compromise and communicate: Even the most compatible couples can argue sometimes. The ability to compromise and communicate offsets that.
• Mutual respect for each other's financial contributions: It shouldn’t matter who makes more money. Successful couples selflessly pool their resources.

Some of the most financially compatible couples aren't necessarily the wealthiest—they're the ones who learned to talk openly about money without judgment or defensiveness.

Tough conversations: How to talk about finances in relationships

Talking about money in relationships is hard. It can be particularly awkward in the early stages, but that’s when it’s most necessary. Waiting too long could create a serious rift when you finally broach the conversation. Here are a few opening lines to get started:

"What was your family's attitude toward money growing up?"

"How do you feel about debt?"

"What are your financial goals in the next 5 years?"

"What does financial security look like to you?"

These questions help you understand each other's money psychology before diving into the nitty-gritty details of income, expenses, and debt. If you’re uncomfortable with that, you can bring in a neutral third-party like a financial coach, therapist, or friend who knows something about finances. Don’t try to fix each other. Just find a way to work together.

Money and the future: Planning beyond love

On the subject of money and relationships, financial guru Dave Ramsey says, “The very process of establishing a workable budget can help a hurting marriage simply because of the level of communication and cooperation it takes.” Everything stems from that important step, including but not limited to the following:

• Children and child-related costs: Kids are expensive. If you have them, you know. Having children should be something you both agree on and plan for. You’ll want to have tough conversations about the finances and the care of the child. For example, can you afford to have one parent stay at home?
• Career shifts and income loss: Life can be unpredictable; people lose jobs, get sick, and face layoffs when industries and technology change. Financial planners recommend that you keep an emergency fund, but saving money is hard. Talk to your partner to get a better understanding of how you can work together to get through tough times.
• Retirement goals and timelines: Young, single people may not talk about retirement. Getting into a committed relationship changes that, especially when you start a family. Are you and your partner on the same page about retirement? When do you want to do it? How will you save for it? These are important questions.
• Emergency savings plans: Most financial experts recommend 3-6 months of expenses in emergency savings. How will you build and maintain this safety net together? Start early and put aside what you can afford. If you need help, hire a financial planner or advisor.

These conversations aren't just about money—they're about trust, partnership, and shared responsibility.

Debt, disparity, and discomfort: Common pitfalls

People who don’t have discussions about money in relationships may be unprepared for the financial friction that can arise from excessive debt, disparity, and discomfort. It’s critical to recognize these issues early and develop strategies to address them. Most people encounter some level of these issues, so it’s important to understand them:

• Unequal earnings and power dynamics: Does one partner make more than the other? Does that change the power dynamic? These situations can cause problems in a relationship if they’re not openly discussed.
• Student loans, credit card debt, or other financial obligations: It’s tough to plan for the future when you’re still paying the tab for your past.
• Risky or avoidant financial behaviors: Risking your finances by gambling or overspending is a problem. Hiding it could be a major crisis. Transparency is important, especially if you need professional help.

Try these financial exercises to build stronger partnership skills:

• Write a joint financial plan that includes both of your goals and concerns
• Create an expense-sharing system that feels fair to both partners
• Set shared savings milestones and celebrate when you reach them
• Have regular "money dates" to check in on your financial progress

Financial shame and resentment can poison relationships, but they don't have to. With patience, understanding, and sometimes professional guidance, most money conflicts can be resolved.

Expert tips: What therapists, financial coaches, and couples say

Therapists deal with relationship issues all the time. They will tell you that many of them stem from money problems. Financial coaches have programs specifically designed for these scenarios. Other couples who’ve been through them can offer valuable insights based on their experience. Here are some of the things you might hear from them:

• Have weekly money dates. Set aside time each week to discuss your financial situation without distractions.
• Set spending boundaries together. Agree on amounts you can spend individually without consulting each other and stick to those limits.
• Get clear on each other's financial vision. Make sure you're working toward the same long-term goals.
• Practice transparency. Share information about income, expenses, and debt openly and honestly.
• Celebrate financial wins together. When you reach a savings goal or pay off debt, acknowledge the achievement as a team.

Conclusion: Is money important in a relationship?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can help you get through the tougher times in a relationship. It’s critical to be on the same page from the very start. Have the tough conversations about spending, budgeting, and saving for long-term goals. The real question isn't whether money matters, but how you and your partner choose to handle it together.

Communicate openly. Be transparent about your ideas and issues with money. You can start the conversation by scheduling your first money date this week. You might be surprised by what you learn.